December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010

PLM.

Utterly disgusted by you, your made-believed sincere actions & words.

Disappointed & scared by those layers & layers of masks you are wearing under that facade of yours.

I use to think & believe that probably we are not close enough to see that "real" you.
Probably, with your other friends, you are different; you're"real" with them?

I use to hold onto this hope that probably..
one day I can gradually uncover those layers of pretense of yours.
& deep inside you're actually truly; sincerely; a friend.

But now, I think I am just unmasking more repulsive & ugly sides of you.
Deep down, I knew of these all along.

But, owells..
Love is blind.
I was blinded.
What did I see in you?!
I am so grossed out by the the fact that I used to like you so much till its called
"Obsession" by my friends around me.

Rhian thought that I won't be able take it, that she didn't know if she should tell me this rubbish, ugly side of you.
Same for Stef, she wants to save me away from you.
Rhian was ready that I might cry when she "shoved" the truth right up to my face.
But my face was normal,expressionless.
Felt nothing.

Cause..
I knew about these all along.
I just kept hoping & hoping..

Now.
I can proclaim to them that I am 100% totally over you.
In fact, hatred has taken over & it's building up as I am typing away.

I would really hope that you scram.

Get out of my life & away from my friends.
But seeing the way you treat your friends & me, it seems the same.
& for that..
I pity you for having friends that you secretly dislike,badmouth & back stab.
I feel sad for you that you are still "friends" with them.
You must be feeling horrible.

& I must say.
You have no right to criticize my friends at all.
Don't even ask why is she/he, my friend.
They are my friends cause they are real to me.
They show me the truth, the light.
Even if they don't, I know they have rightful reasons.
& I trust them because our friendship is definitely longer than me & you.
It's the same for you right?
You would trust everything your buddies in Secondary school say?
Another reason for why my friends seems fine with you or made an effort to interact with you was cause they practice:
爱乌及屋.

Now,
I just can't believe myself :
Why I still have this glitch of hope that when you realise that I am talking about you..
You might change or go back to how you think you were a better person when you were in Secondary school.
By then, if you had reverted & you wish to..
Tell me.
I want to get to know that you.

My perception & impression of you now -gone,negative!
I felt nothing when I heard it from Stef & Kitty.
But as I was on my way home, the more I thought, the more affected I was.

Hope you know, I am talking about you.
& save yourself.

Stef,Kitty,Nicky & Germ.
Don't worry, I can still take it.
I am fine :)

PINK

The painkillers pills; sweet.

I dare not look into the mirror.

My left jaw; bulged out.
I can't articulate properly.
Didn't even think of smiling or laughing.
Cause it hurts.
I have puffed up eyes, it looks like more tears will be gushing out.

I am better now.

I just wonder why am I still "Thaddea"?
Why am I still here.
Alive.

It's just a matter of time.

Chew

I pulled out all my fake nails when Bf was teaching me.
I chewed up all my nails.

But I am rather prepared for the test.
Just hope that what I know will come out.
Just pass will do.
They won't give you a high P or low P.
Just a pass will do, pray more & practice more.

What if after I flip the test paper & everything looks foreign to me..
I will bawl.
Pretend to faint off.
& postpone the test till further notice.
So I might not be going for Bintan trip.
hahaha.

Okay.
I will pack my luggage at 8pm.
Hope I have the mood for Bintan trip :3



Think of bintan,bintan,bintan!
Ciao,study yo.

nightmares

I had 2 nightmares in a night.
Same dream 2 nights in a row.
How loser-ish is that?
& the best thing was I freaked out at all.
hahaha.

First, I dreamt that I was late for the test.
Second, I dreamt that I failed.
Now, I still think that tomorrow is the exam day.
Getting all jittery,
I haven't packed my luggage for Bintan Trip.
I have totally no idea what's going on in my life, except Accounting.


I pulled out 2 of my fake nails, subconsciously again, even after I had glued them back.
It's free for chewing again.

suddenly

Worried.
Very.
Blame myself for failing during the first attempt.
Wondered why?
Well, confidence dipped the night before the paper.

If I had passed at the first attempt, I would have gone karaoke-ing with my dear friends every 2 days till I have no voice to even talk

Why did I mention "If"..
Teddy,you can't go back anymore,
So don't screw up your future further.
Go study.

I dreamt I failed again.
How pathetic.

belated

Thank you for the
surprises :D
& the birthday presents!
& the birthday cakes!

I had fun :D


Truth to be told, I knew it all along.
But ♥ all :)

& I can't study at home cause of someone.
Fucking pissed
I am dying to get out of my house to study.
4pm, come faster!

laugh

Cant

It sunk in.
I can't let it go.


After talking to modern penpal, I was actually very tired too.
I fell asleep.
But I suddenly jerked up.
I sat up, got off my bed,picked up my notes,stared at it,nothing went in.
Stoning.
I can't sleep.
I set the alarm to wake up at 9am to study.

I miss HK.

unprepared

I'm back in Singapore.
A day earlier.
Love kitty,stef,reuben,kenny & not so my bf for coming to pick me up from the airport.
I love my brother the most.

One of my fake nails came out, I think I'm subconsciously preparing to bite my whole finger off.


It sunk in.

10th

D:"They know thaddea is leaving soon, thats why the temperature dropped so much suddenly, know she likes cold weather.hahaha."
A:"Ya, whenever she comes and leaves HK, the weather will be so cold."

If that's the case, they should invite me to fly in & out of north pole so that the ice won't melt & cause floods.

So stupid.
Just when I say its turning warm, it dropped from 23degrees to 13degress.

We had a early birthday party.
The whole table was filled with my favourite food.
The cake was filled with chestnut :D
Strawberries that were almost as big as an apple.



I feel like I was eating back whatever I did not eat when I didn't have the appetite.
All of my favourite food in HK are actually food that I was always fed/bought by my Granny for me when I was younger.
Mochi Ice cream!
Brain freeze when I took my first bite :)



In the afternoon, when my dad was preparing dinner with my aunty...
I went shopping alone at Mongkok.
I could instantly spot Singaporeans from the locals.
Sigh.
I am going back to Singapore soon, to face reality.



Yup, I bought another red specs.
I can't stand it anymore.

I have to be happy again.

wishful

Why did we bother saving it, when we knew it was long gone?



As the day to depart for Singapore gets closer, my heart is slowly sinking in.
So much for anticipating your 19th birthday.
It reminds you that you are a year older but still useless as ever.

The weather in HK is getting warmer.
I am waiting for my hair to dry.
Then I am off to Granny's.
I bought everything from the shopping list.
Except lemon tea & Germ's magazines.

Yesterday night was the "last day" of my shopping spree.
Cause from today onwards, the prices will raise.
It's the start of Singaporeans March Holidays.
There were alot of SG tourists yesterday alr.
Felt like I was back in Singapore.

I don't like it at all.

9th

I want to go for fortune telling.
My dad don't allow.

D:"You're still too young, wait till you're 21."

But I need someone to tell me that my future isn't that bleak as it seems.
Or even if its bad, he will give me some advice to change it.
I want someone to give me hope in my future.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true..

Not everyone can be like Cinderella.

I am still trying to face reality & let it sink in.

8th

Manicurist:-holds teddy's hands- "Woa, your hand very soft, you will have a good life ahead."
T:"Really?!"-hopeless laughter, thinks of results- "If I ever have a good life, I will employ you to solely take care of my nails everyday in future."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Such a failure.

My dad tried to cheer me up by bringing me to places that I will like.
Shopping therapy.



A street that sells alot alot alot of toys.
A place filled with professional manicurists.
A building filled with my future fake/in my dreams husbands.
More chestnut cake/tart/wraps which I ate for dinner.
No appetite, only for sweet stuff.

He knows I look & sound happy but I am not "okay" at all.
Well, I keep saying "I am okay" -flashes him a big smile-



I broke my red specs.
:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( plus Nicky's bats x 455778345234 times.

I will just talk myself out like how I say to others.

"What is done cannot be undone.
So you should stop thinking about it & try very hard.
Study very very hard this time.
I trust you can do it, you must have confidence in yourself too :D
& there's always a 1st time for everything.hahaha."

I will never add that last sentence to anyone except myself.
Now, I understand how ineffective it is.
Thanks Thaddea for trying to make me feel so much better.
FUCK. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. FUCK.
I don't have time to type 1 by 1, copied & paste from wednesdayknots :)
Whoots! Study time!

I am going mad soon.Very disappointed very very very sad.
Crying.

7th

Something is wrong with me.

I vomited again.
I couldn't eat.
Even my favourite macaroni breakfast.
I was forcing myself to eat it up.
I didn't eat lunch or high tea in HK?!
Sort of wasted my meals.
Dinner at a Chinese restaurant at Causeway Bay.





Only me & daddy.





I was staring at the "aquarium" in the restaurant.







My dad tried to finish everything, cause I was drinking tea & eating the vege, a bit of lobster noodles.
& the dessert?
It seems like I m puking everything that is solid, not liquid.

Oh & I went for foot massage!hehehe.
Freaking comfortable.
Shopped while vomiting along the way.
So unglam, holding a puking bag.
But its just a while, after vomiting everything that I ate, I was okay :)
I don't think any medicine can help.
Just see what happens to me tmr.

6th

Not feeling well.
Vomited after my brunch, my big Wanton noodles...
when I was at Granny's house.
Granny fed me with all the things she could to make me feel better.



Once I ate the supposedly anti-puking medicine, I ran to the toilet to puke immediately.
How effective.
But after puking felt so much better.
I didn't want to waste another day, so after eating plain porridge cooked by my granny,
daddy&I went shopping.lol
After that, when my daddy went to have his dinner at this restaurant.
The smell made me puke again.
Came home to rest.
Going to eat medicine & sleep.

Pictures in an album that my Granny keeps.



































I was laughing at how retarded my brother looked like.
He used to bully me by poking me everywhere.
But I rmb I was very sad when I was sending my brother off to Australia.
I used to cry when my mum forces me to wear smth I don't like.
This is why most of the pictures I either look blur or my eyes are red&swollen.
Some of my brother & my clothes are still at home,kept nicely.
Very cute :)

5th

I slept alot today.
I left the house at 11plus.
No more Set A for morning breakfast.
So my dad & I went to Tao Gua Wan, the place where we use to stay, for breakfast.
I dont know how to say it in English, but the side dishes that goes with the porridge are damn nice.

Guy1:-walks in- "Table for 2 pleaseee?"
China Waitress:-stares at him,look away,do other stuff-
T:-while eating,giggles, thinking: "Who the hell speaks English to a China woman in this small porridge restaurant."-
Guy2:-walks behind Guy1-"2!"

At the background, I kept laughing at Guy 1 cause he is Chinese but he can't speak Chinese at all but overly slang English.
Guy2 tries to teach him how to say youtiao in Canto.
My dad laughed too.

Over there, my dad started telling me about the stories last time.
I was only 3 yrs old then so I don't know much.
We bought Love person's mummy's prawn noodles.lol

On our way to Granny's house, we saw alot of traffic police.
This is the first time I ever felt that people in uniform are so cool!
Hong Kong Policemen are so cool!& they really look good standing next to their bikes.
It was just a small accident, but 6 rode their bikes to control the traffic & 1 police car for assistance.
All these came in less than 3 mins after the accident happened.
HOW COOL IS THAT?!
-Thinks about Singapore's-
:S
Takes ages for a bike to come.
I can't take my eyes off those traffic police.

When I went to my granny's house, it was so cold.
Then I fell asleep on the bed.
I was suppose to go out alone to shop while they attend the funeral.
But by the time I opened my eyes, it was 3 plus in the afternoon.
They left alr.
So I was thinking why not sleep till they come back?
& I really did, till 7pm.
I didnt dare to go out too cause I left my hp at home.
My dad won't be able to contact me.
When my dad came back, he was shock to see me sitting in front of the TV watching Cinderella.
My granny was feeling too sad that she didn't want to eat.

So me & daddy went to eat at Mongkok.
It's the King of Steaks.


My Dad's order


My Ribeyes.




I didn't take picture of the food cause it looked so appetizing & I don't want you all to drool in front of the computer.
We also ordered a side dish: Pork Neck with Green Apple.
Very nice.

After that I climbed up the slope alone, cause my dad went to stay at granny's house.
They have to be at the funeral at 8am in the morning.
So tmr, I shall meet them after my breakfast :)
Oh on my way back, my dad's bought the 3rd Chestnut Tart of the day for me.



It's another of my favourite thing in Hong Kong.
The cover had mist when I was walking home, imagine how cold it was.
Nice, I like.haha.

While my dad was telling me about the past.
I was thinking..
Probably if my parents decided to not migrate to Singapore.
Life would be much better.
I know my parents want to come back to Hong Kong to live.
It's just a matter of time, I guess.
They make me want to do the same thing.
I was thinking which district to stay in, which part of Kowloon?
How big will my house be?How to furnish it?
Will my parents stay with me or my brother?Or both?

Or probably I can't bear to leave Singapore.

Get to know yourself better
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

4th

I actually wanted to write some classics of the day.
There were a few, funny HK-ers.
But too tired that I forgot.lol

2 session yumcha-rathon.Sick, no point mentioning.
H&M shopping, my aunty witnessed the normal teenager revolving into a total mad shopaholic.
Today, I think I was working towards striking off my friends' long shopping list.
After H&M, I went to search for Yunho.
Both the posters look -drools- HOT!
Checked my beloved brother's Xbox games:guitar hero,resident evil,winning 11& etc.
It was filled with people.
He is just making life difficult for me.
Bought computer mouse.
Earphones!Handphone!
I actually bought stuff for Stef,Love person,Bf,Reuben,Kenny&Michael all in 1 day.
I still have a long list to go.

After the friendly shopping spree, we went to the supermarket to buy steamboat ingredients.
Cause of the sudden drop in degrees, everything were sort of sold out alr.
But my other aunties bought quite alot earlier, so there were enough ingredients.
So fufilling.
My dad & I didnt want to go home so early though it was alr 1030pm
So we went to the tourist-fested Temple Street for Cooling Tea/Chinese herbal Tea.
I suddenly felt like I was back in Singapore. I don't really like it.
Cause it was filled with Singaporeans & tourists.
China prostitutes too, poaching business :S
Fortune telling stalls all along the street, daddy say see only after 21 yrs old.
A short tour around then home we went.
Kept dozing off on my way home.
Amazed that I am not asleep till now.

I am not bored, but I put in effort to blog everyday.
HKG is definitely not bored, but going everywhere alone is boring.
I feel that I am just like in Singapore, I go out everyday too.
But in Singapore, I have you all around so I am never bored :)

laze

My bed is so nice.
I don't feel like coming out of the thick blanket.
My dad is out of the house alr.
I am suppose to meet him at 11 somewhere near Jordan Street.
But I don't want to yumcha again.
I slept quite early yesterday.
I was suppose to call Love person, but after I replied her saying I will at 1 plus am, I fell asleep.
I msged her at 3 plus am saying I m sorry.
Rhian~I call you later when you wake up.

3RD

I walked the whole day.
So tired.

Early in the morning, my dad & I went to granny's house.
Finally not yumcha-ing for breakfast.
I ate at the authentic HK cafe, the usual Set A,B&C.hehe.
My favourite Marconi with Ham&Egg, & a cup of stocking milk tea.
Heavenly.
Omg, my teeth!bleeding now..
Followed my granny to the wet market.
It's really wet.
Not just the wet floor cause of the pouring rain, but also the live fishes that kept jumping from netting to netting, & down to the floor.
& cause my granny is staying in a senior citizen populated district, the place is filled with grannies& grandpas.
Everything moves slower than outside, & i have to be careful to not bang onto anyone of them.
Their bones will shatter, haha. Not that bad la, exaggerating only.
Even the vendors at the wet market tries very hard to earn their money ,they greet all elderly good morning & chit chat with them abit, hoping to poach some business.
I was laughing to myself when I saw this scene.

Popo:-standing at the fish stall, buying fish-
Fish vendor: -smiles- "This part,very good, cheap & healthy diet."
Pork vendor:-opposite the fish vendor,shouts over to the Popo- " Popo, you on diet ah! you so skinny alr, don't need to diet, come buy some pork!"
Wth?!

Btw, today kept raining, on & off. Argh.
After that, daddy,aunty& I went to Shenzhen.
Wet,wet,wet & makes me so grossed out.
Dirty!
Shopped abit.
Aiya, I don't know what to say about Shenzhen.
The toilet scared me, there was no hinge to stop the door from opening.
Making me feel so paranoid, thinking what if some freaking China auntie push the door wide open when I am half- way relieving myself.
I couldn't even pee properly.
We went to Shenzhen to yumcha too, so sick of it.
Tomorrow again I have 2 yumcha sessions.

Oh please, spare me from those teas!

I love Germaine for being so bored.
Her comments are so cute :D

Sorry! No pictures. Notorious robbing stories in Shenzhen scares me, I can't bear to lose any of my precious electronic appliances :3

P.S. I think I am nothing to you.

bored

What to do when you're bored at home & it's raining heavily outside, stuck at home?
Camwhore.
To All: Just ignore this narcissist post.










P.S. Sometimes I really wonder what am I to you?